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Dating and relationships, fitness, and money.Thu, 11 Feb 2010 11:06:58 +0000 and Goals: A Strong WHY, 02 Jan 2010 06:49:33 +0000Jiron successful is never easy. A lot of people fall along the way on their path to achieving their goals. Sometimes, it can be the despair at continuous failure. Sometimes, too many obstacles in the way makes it difficult for one to maintain their momentum and determination. I can remember the numerous goals that I have set for myself, only to end up not achieving them. Some goals were good to have but not a must, while others drew out more passion in me. But a lot of the times, I fell.

Each time I fell, I berated myself for not having the determination to stick with the process. I always thought my core mindset was not strong enough, that I lacked the toughness to keep going. But there have been times when I did accomplish what I set out to achieve, and that puzzled me.

Eventually, I realised one thing. That without a strong reason for why we want to achieve our goals and successes, whatever we do will always be an arduous journey. This may sound like an excuse for anyone (including me) who has not been achieving the success that they have endeavoured to. Now, I am not denying that some of us really do lack the drive to strive for what they want in life. But the lack of a strong WHY is the primary reason as to how come most people give up on their goals after a while.

Take a moment to think about it. We may blame everything around us, including lack of time, circumstance, or maybe even ourselves for failing to stick with our original plans, but before we ventured into our action steps, has the WHY been established? I remember my days of being involved in the insurance industry. It definitely didn’t work out for me. My WHY back then was that I wanted to get out of my lousy financial circumstance. Now that I look back, I realised that my WHY just simply wasn’t strong enough. I didn’t have the clarity and full-blown vision of what I wanted. All I had was what I didn’t want, which obviously wasn’t enough.

Some of you may wonder, is the WHY really that important? Now let’s imagine a scenario whereby you decide that you want to gain financial freedom. You don’t like the idea of working for someone, you don’t like having to wake up to an alarm clock, etc. All these are good reasons to get you venturing into different ways to gain financial freedom, but they are just good reasons. But if you had solid reasons, something like “because you want your family to have an abundance of choice that only money can give, because you never want your kids to worry about having to live unhappy professional lives”, your drive would be a lot stronger for sure. Compare those reasons to “not liking the idea of working for someone” and feel the difference there.

That being said, your WHY has to have clarity. It can’t be a murky vision. Because if your vision is murky, once you engage in your action steps, you are only going to see the obstacles that stand in your way. Instead, if you have a strong WHY, everytime you encounter difficulties, you are only going to see the WHY and then keep moving forward.

Unfortunately, there is no easy way out for this. You’ll have to spend days, maybe weeks or even months, trying to figure out your WHY. And then you have to give it clarity and vision. It has to be a picture you can see in your head, something you know and want to become reality. The good thing is, once you figure that out, pretty much nothing is able to stop you from achieving your goals.

]]> success with Troy Dizon, 12 Nov 2009 18:02:42 +0000Jiron those who do not know the website’s history, we used to be known as But due to technical issues, we had to change the domain name.

Regardless, here’s an interview for Troy Dizon’s upcoming product titled “From David to Goliath”. You will want to listen to the podcast (and it’s free!) because there are actually quite a few golden nuggets inside anyone can benefit from.

Download (Right click and save as) here.

]]> + Reasonable: The Bad Combination, 09 Nov 2009 09:14:21 +0000Xavier live in the company of extraordinary people. I call them Champions. In my line of work, I develop normal people to become Champions. I want to share a critical way of thought that is enforced by living examples of all the Champions in my life.

Champions usually deliver a sense of over-achievement (commonly mistaken for arrogance) simply because they are over-achievers. Their existence is rare and there are few in people’s lives, which tends to either inspire people deeply, or stir up feelings of jealousy(sometimes unconsciously) that cause people to repel them. And here’s why. Champions are not comfortable with getting what comes to them. They know what they want and that they deserve it. They will go all out to take what they deserve. And that is different because it is different from most people.

I want to start off by saying that I am aware that I MAY offend some people with what I am about to say. Some of you will hate this article. Some of you will hate the writer(me) of this article. It may be because I chose a bad font style or font colour. It may be because you are EXACTLY the kind of person I am about to describe. You will probably deny to death the painful truth. Maybe you think you are in fact Champion when you are not. But everything will be fine if you follow the one rule of this message: I talk, and you listen.

There are two kinds of people in life.

1) People – who believe they will not achieve what they sought out to accomplish.

2) Champions – who believe they will achieve what they sought out to accomplish.

The first group usually follow a formula to life. And that is “Realistic” + “Reasonable” = “Success”

They are usually successful. No, “successful”. They will forever only have reasonable success.

If life was truly a science, all I have to do is follow the step-by-step instructions, do a couple of success 10-year-series, maybe get success tuition from a cute success teacher and voila, the iPhone becomes my invention. If that is really the way, it will be impossible to find university graduates, unemployed and struggling through the early years of their career, only to end their struggle the moment they are fired in place of a younger, lower-paid employee (it hurts more if he/she is hotter too).

Most people are reasonable, that’s why they do only reasonably well.

Champions are NEVER real-world realistic. Champions are NEVER real-world reasonable. In fact, because of this, they can be difficult to deal with.

This is why they have unrealistic, dream-like achievements and blessings. This why they are treated unreasonably well and get away with more than most people do.

Take a look at Fashion. It is constantly changing because individuality is a highly-coveted prize and being unique is something everyone wants to be. But trends come about and change ever so quickly. This causes a lack of ways to feel unique. It’s the same for the famous iPod range of products, cars etc. Champions are always on top of these things. They have the newest look, the newest gadgets, spit the newest lines from the newest shows and often rock something even before it becomes famous, thus the sense of over-achievement you might get.

It is lacking that forces INNOVATION. People who settle are comfortable (or will eventually become comfortable) with everything, that is why they do not innovate. They are spoiled by their comforting habits, eating the same foods, living in the same place, wearing their same, new pair of jeans from the 1990s. This is why they are like everyone else. They have reasonable success and never get to feel the amazing feeling of over-achieving and doing unreasonably well in life.

When there is a lack of ways to an unrealistic level of success, you can expect a Champion to be on top of that case. An unrealistic dream forces a person to be creative, to innovate and to work unrealistically harder. It is only a matter of time and learning experiences before a person achieves that previously unrealistic level of success. Perhaps you, were meant to find that path to unrealistic success.

See you at the top, Champ!

Xavier is Singapore’s first international dating instructor with Born-and-bred in Singapore, his hunger for success saw him rise to the top of the local dating community at the mere age of 21. These days, he is busy running his different businesses and travelling around the world. You can find more of his articles at his blog.

]]> to Success II – Victim Mentality, 09 Feb 2009 19:43:59 +0000Jiron guys, hope you’ve been enjoying Nasri’s posts. Today I’m gonna be talking about one of the most prevalent mentalities that even successful people get into. In fact, most people do it. Now, that doesn’t mean it’s normal. It just means that people can be like that. So let’s get to the point, and see why we should be more aware of the victim mentality.

Many of us go through life blaming others. We blame our bosses for pissing us off, our spouses for making us agitated, or even strangers for unnecessary trouble (ever wanted to smack a slow-walking person on the back of their head?). Read the papers, and you’d see people trying to blame one another all the time. Just as an example, I refer to the US government blaming the Wall Street execs for giving out bonuses in times of crisis. In fact, blaming can seem perfectly valid. Because let’s face it, we all want the best for ourselves, and have only the best intentions; why should our bosses make things difficult for us when we really just want to bring the dough home? In fact, you can even say that it’s perfectly normal to feel negative emotions towards someone. And yes, it’s true, it’s part of being human. But do not let that point get to your head. I’ve still got a way to go.

So why exactly is the victim mentality a problem? I’ve always maintained the belief that if you don’t care, then it doesn’t matter. Because if you cared, that means you have an attachment to the issue, and that means you shouldn’t blame anyone but yourself when you are facing a problem. Now I know that’s very idealistic, because how can we not care about everything? But I’d like to mention that there’s more. A lot of times, when we look at a situation, we tend to attach more meaning to it than what it actually is. Let’s break things down a little.

John Doe is angry with his girlfriend for not spending enough time with him. Because of her schedule, they hardly see each other as it is, and yet she decides to spend time with her friends today.

Some of us might have gotten into such a situation before. At first glance, some might even say, “Oh please, stop being needy, friendship is important too.”

Why should JD’s girlfriend spend more time with him? Because it would make him happier? So, the anger is coming from the fact that she’s not spending time with him, or because he wants things to be that way? You can argue that since they are together, he should have more priority. But that brings me back to the whole original point. If you have a belief about how a relationship should work, and it doesn’t turn out that way, shouldn’t you look at your belief instead? This happens all the time. When we’re much younger, our mom believes that we should be in bed by 10pm, and we get upset because we want to spend an additional half-hour watching that really exciting movie. As we grow older, it begins to transpire into something else, the above-mentioned example being one.

I’d like to mention one really important point here. If you agree with nothing I’ve talked about so far, then at least think about this: You can change the circumstances around you, and you’d be happier, but you are still as vulnerable as before the problem/s came along. But before I carry on, let’s argue a bit more. I’ll give another example.

I am pissed. No one around me is supporting me with my dreams. I want to become an actor, but everyone is saying it’s not easy, and that I should give up. Just get a job, and live like most other normal people.

So you’re angry that no one is supporting you?

Why should someone support you with your dreams?

Because they are family and friends! They are people I care about!

So you’re angry because they are close to you, and thus, they should support you?

What if you didn’t care whether they should support you or not, and just went about doing it anyway? Would you still be angry?

Can you see what’s happening here? The belief that something should happen gives rise to blame. Now imagine yourself in that position. You blame your family members and friends for not being supportive. It makes you upset, brings you down. It puts a big dent in your aspirations. You suddenly don’t feel like working towards your goal anymore. Eventually you failed. What if it wasn’t a problem if no one supports you? What if you just went ahead with your goal anyway?

But let this be clear. I am not saying that you should start blaming yourself for things not going your way. That’s still attaching a meaning to whatever’s happening. Instead, try taking all the meaning that you give to a situation, and just let it stand on its own. When we do that, we realise that things are just the way it is, and we can proceed with our lives the way we intend for it to unfold.

]]> SMART Goals, 06 Feb 2009 23:53:48 +0000Nasri fabulous day to you!

I’ll try to keep this as short as possible. Try.

Lots of people have maybe heard of SMART goal setting. For those who haven’t, SMART is an acronym for:S pecificM easurableA chievableR ealisticT imed

The details.  (Toldja I’d keep it short)

SPECIFIC – This is the most important of the 5. As I’ve said before – Define it, define it, define it. You can do this by asking yourself questions about your goal. I personally was taught to use the When Where Who What Why approach when asking questions revolving around my goals and dreams. I strongly suggest you use it too. Doing this will give you a clearer picture of where you are headed. This not only gives you motivation, but to some extent, it makes you more mentally committed to your goal and achieving it. It gives you mental clarity and laser-like focus, which is extremely crucial simply because obstacles, challenges and distractions affect you much less.

MEASURABLE – Or tangible. How would you know when your dream or goal is achieved? If your goal is to be a millionaire, you know that you’d need to have exactly at least a million dollars, and not a penny less. Again, ask questions. How much, how many, how long.. etc.

ACHIEVABLE - A good way to tell if a goal is achievable is to simply find out if anyone else has already achieved it. If someone else has done it, and he/she shares some similarities with you, then there is virtually no reason why you can’t achieve it as well. If your goal is a breakthrough in nature, then you have to know that it can be done. The ‘world’ will be ‘against’ you, so if you don’t fully believe in it, you won’t be able to achieve it.

REALISTIC – Before I go on, let me first say that you can achieve virtually any goal you fully commit to. However, because common sense is often uncommon in common people , let me also say that you can only achieve a goal that doesn’t challenge the laws of the universe. (At this point some of you are going ‘duh’ and some of you are going ‘wooaaah…reallly????’) Yes. Really . For example, to set a goal to bring about World Peace in one year is a totally un-realistic goal. Let’s assume world peace is possible for a moment. To be able to bring about total world peace in such a short time under today’s conditions with wars everywhere, well, you’d have to be God! And everyone knows He doesn’t dig blogs!

TIMED – Self explanatory. As I’ve mentioned before in my other posts, all goals must have a dateline attached in order for it to be a valid goal. A specific date. Yes. Specific. For example, my girlfriend and myself have a goal to be financially independent and stable enough to get married and live together by 10th October 2010 or as we like to call it, 10.10.10. (Awwwww. Isn’t that sweet! We can’t wait! She wants a theme with diamonds and…. oh.. sorry.)

There you have it! SMART goals! Awesome stuff!

Toldja I’d try ta keep it shortest possible. I’m done fer taday but please, don’t be shy and feel free to comment or post any questions for myself and Jiron. We promise we won’t bite – much. =D

]]> COSMIC POWER!!, 05 Feb 2009 10:10:15 +0000Nasri wonderful day to all!

Last post, I touched a teensy bit on dreams,goals and how they’re related to success. Today, I’ll be talking about the basic cycle to great success (or as the Genie in Aladdin puts it, “PHENOMENAL COSMIC POWER!!”). Here it is :


The achievement process is as follows :

Find your emotional dream or intention

Create a game-plan, strategy or blueprint

Analyze the results, and act on them

People who fail while pursuing PHENOMENAL COSMIC POWER mostly on fail due to a lack of attention to at least one of these 5 factors. So, quick as I can, here’s how the 5 steps basically work.

Find your emotional dream or intention – Why do you do what you do? Money? Health? Love? Religion? Charity? Luxury? Time? Family? Fear? Everyone has their own reasons. Your job in this step is to find your greatest reason – A reason that you would fight for no matter what. A cause so great that you feel is BLASPHEMOUS not to achieve. A reason or a cause that if unfulfilled, you could not die peacefully with.

Set clear, dated goals – So now you have a Dream. What you do here is make that dream as detailed as possible, and add a dateline to it. For example, if your dream is to travel the world (one of my personal favourites!), you write down with a pen where your first destination would be, your mode of transportation, your expenses, what you intend to do there, the duration of your stay, and where you intend to go next. Repeat it until you have ‘travelled the world’ according to yourself. Now, tally up all the information, such as the expenses, time commitment and arrangements etc. This is a list of things you need to have/have done before you can achieve your dream (in this case, go on your trip). Now, set a dateline as to exactly when you intend to achieve those things so you may go on your trip. Now you have a tangible target to meet to achieve you goal/dream.

Create a game plan, strategy or blueprint – Go back to the list of things you must have/have achieved before you can live your dream. Now create an outline of steps to take to achieve those things. For example, if one of the things you need is $100,000 , then list down or look for ways for you to create that amount of money . Do this with all the resources you need to achieve your dream. Turn them all into ‘mini’ goals.

Take persistent and consistent action – This is self-explanatory. Take immediate action, don’t quit, and stay steady. A word of caution though, when (notice I say ‘when’, not ‘if’, because you WILL) you face challenges or obstacles during your pursuit and you might feel tired or beat up. Always look back at your Dream . The Goal. The ‘big picture’. If you chose a truly worthy cause, you will press on and keep going – no matter what. Now about consistent effort. What this means is simply that you absolutely MUST take action on a disciplined, regular basis. There. I said it. (OMG The Horror!! You mean I must be disciplined???) Yes. There are no two ways about it. If you’re not going to commit to your cause, no one will. It is, after all, YOUR cause.  Sorry.

Analyze the results, and act on them – Both positive and negative results. Before I continue, let me say that no result is a bad result as long as you learn from it. Look back on your previous steps. What have you done? Now look at your results. If you end up with a perceived ‘negative’ result, now you know what not to do, or what you haven’t been doing enough of, or quite possibly, you might even decide or realise that what you previously thought was your dream, isn’t really what you want in life! If you end up with a positive result (meaning you actually moved forward, even if by a little bit), you already know you’re on the right track. Now what you need to do, is look back on what you’ve done, and simply do more of what works, and look for ways to improve!

Just rinse and repeat the process as you need, and slowly but surely, after some time……POOF!


So there you have it folks! The 5 Steps to Achieving Your Dreams and Goals. Now go kick some butt!! (Figuratively, of course.)

P.S : If you actually really DO need to make extra income as part of achieving you Dreams and Goals, this just might be for you : Global Domains International

]]> vs Goals, And How They’re Connected to Success, 01 Feb 2009 15:03:18 +0000Nasri everyone =)

If you’ve read a couple of success self-improvement books, you’ve probably been exposed to the idea(s) of :             Having a Dream/Finding Your Purpose/Setting Goals etc..    Anything that relates to you having an image in your mind’s eye of what you intend to have/achieve/experience/become. In layman terms, it’s simply knowing what you want specifically. More on that later.

First off, let me point out the fundamental difference between Dreams and Goals.

Dreams, simply put, are aspirations or visions. As I mentioned earlier “Anything that you intend to have/achieve/experience/become/create etc” .

Goals are only different in that Goals are Dreams with Dates attached to them.

For example, “Financial Independence” would qualify as a dream. For it to be a real goal however, you must intend to achieve it  by a dateline.  “Financial Independence by 9th September 2009″ is a goal.

Everyone has vague dreams, but very few people have clear, specific goals in their life. And that, on its own, is one of the greatest causes of success AND failure in people today.

Ask the average person what his dream in life is, and chances are, you’ll get something along the lines of “I want a happy family. I want to have money. I want to be successful. I want to be happy.”  or worse, and frighteningly common, ”I dunno.“  What about highly successful people? Successful people are never ever ever vague when it comes to knowing what they want. They define their dreams and goals clearly.

It’s not enough to say your dream is to make money. How much? By when? What would you do with it? If someone gave you a dollar, would that be considered fulfilling your lifelong dream? You said your dream was to have money, didn’t you? Define it, define it, and define it again. For example, “I want to make $1,000,000/year by 31st Jan ‘10. This money will come to me from other sources outside of my job, and I will donate 20% of it to X Charity. ” Now you have something to shoot for, something to work towards. If you only told yourself “I want to make money” , you’d be completely lost from the get-go. And this is why the average person doesn’t achieve any great success in their lives. They simply never had any real intention for it in the first place. Think about that for a moment. Great success is NEVER an accident. It is always a planned event. Astronauts didn’t fall asleep and miraculously wake up on the moon. Someone had a Dream and Goal for it to happen, and put in the effort towards it. It’s as simple as that. Success REALLY is a planned event. And the best part is - it’s planned by you!

Before I sign off, I’ll leave you with something to chew on before my next post.


There’s plenty more to be said about Dreams and Goals respectively, and in the next few posts I will be talking a lot about proper Goal Setting techniques and tips. As for now, I’m almost late for a business appointment. =P

Take care, have fun, and please, behave.

P/S : Oh before I go, I MUST mention I found this AWESOME goal-setting and goal-GETTING system. It’s called “The Magic Hundred” This is for those of you who have been trying goal-setting without any significant results so far.  So once again, here it is , The Magic Hundred. Peace and God bless. =)

]]> to success., 31 Jan 2009 18:59:54 +0000Jiron my previous article, I mentioned that one of the reasons why the law of attraction will not work is because of inner obstacles. I have been doing a lot of work recently on that, and boy can they be insidious. In fact, they are so insidious that they can masquerade as a good attribute. But wait… before you let that scare you away from this article, understand that like every problem, there is a solution.First up…

The key to dealing with your inner obstacles is awareness. If you’re one of those people who’s constantly in a dream state, then you better start waking up a bit! On a more serious note though, it does take a bit of effort to realise what are the programs running in the back of your head. One of the things I tend to do is to catch my thoughts in the moment. It’s definitely not easy, but with practice, it’s very do-able. In fact, as you get better at it, you will notice it’s as if your mind is split into two, and one is concentrating on the task at hand, while the other is taking a step back and observing.

If you’re not that good at catching your thoughts in the moment, do not fret. There’s always the good ol’ self-reflection at the end of a day. I use both methods, and it works excellent for me. But do not be fooled into just observing your thoughts. Sometimes, your mind will just seem blank. If that’s the case, watch out for the surfacing emotion. The emotion will be the one thing that really tells you how you feel about a particular issue. For example, for a while I woke up every morning feeling fear. It’s not very apparent, but if I really sit down and be aware of my body’s sensations, I can sense tension around my shoulders and chest. This was during a time when I was feeling lost about my direction in life. I was unemployed, had no idea what I wanted to do, and had a lot of doubts about the future. Once I figured out my direction and went about putting my plans into action, the fear went away.

If you think that was it, I’m sorry to disappoint. The good news is a big part of your work is done. There is the other aspect to deal with – getting rid of the inner obstacle. There are several ways of doing so, one of which is to rely on your drive and motivation. Some people grit their teeth, stare at fear in the eye, and just do it. That’s a very quick solution to the problem, and it’s highly effective, though that doesn’t really get rid of the inner obstacle. It merely suppresses the underlying emotion.

Another way of dealing with it is to recognise that the inner obstacle is just an imaginary barrier. Most of the times, if we’re afraid or worried about something, it’s just our minds predicting the future for us. If your inner obstacle is fear, then here’s an old saying – it’s merely False Evidence Appearing Real.

Of course, I understand if you hold your inner obstacles close to your heart and really believe that it’s true. That’s fine; sometimes we just become paralysed by our beliefs, be they true or false. In this case, I would recommend embracing it then. Don’t fight the underlying emotion that rushes up. Instead, welcome it, or let it be. Surrender to that feeling. You’d be surprised to find that when you welcome an unwanted emotion, it goes away. But don’t be mistaken that this is an exercise that takes five seconds. I have spent days dealing with a particular emotion, and sometimes, it can be frustrating because our bodies activate that self-defence mechanism. If you’re interested to find out more about this exercise, I’d recommend you check out the Sedona Method. It’s a highly effective course for removing your inner obstacles, whatever they may be.

Finally (and this is a really simple method), if you’re really that lazy, or you think all these just sounds too airy for you, then just relax your body, and feel that emotion. Don’t do anything else. Experience that emotion in its entirety. You’d find that the emotion would dissolve.

So how would you know that you have cleared that inner obstacle? Put yourself in a situation where that inner obstacle will surface and watch out for your reactions. If you treat the situation like it’s not an issue at all, that’s when you know it’s gone.

I hope the methods I mention benefits you with whatever self-improvement work you’re doing. Don’t take my word for it though; go test it out. Think about an inner obstacle, let the underlying emotion surface, and then get rid of it. Find out if it really works for you. As always, if you have any doubts, just comment on this post and we’ll get back to you

]]> Law of Attraction will NOT work for you., 23 Jan 2009 15:54:43 +0000Jiron any of you have watched The Secret, you’d be familiar with the concept of the law of attraction. Now, I know it sounds a little airy, but if you believe in it, this blog post will detail three very important reasons why it will NOT work for you. Before any of you believers take out your pitchforks and demand that I be put to the stake, let me make myself clear:

I am a great believer of the law of attraction.

That being said, I have spent a great deal of my time and energy researching this interesting yet scientifically-defying subject, as well as trying to make it work. What I’ve noticed is that a lot of people have actually experimented with the concept. While there are many reasons why it will not work for you, Dear Reader, we’re only going to explore the common failings with the law of attraction.

First off, if you’re actually experimenting with the concept, then don’t waste your time. Look at it this way. Assuming you desire to make passive income. So you go around searching for ways to do it. Then you found a home-based business that suits your schedule, and you strongly believe in the product. But you decide to give a half-hearted try and see how it goes, instead of putting your full effort into it. That’s as good as putting your toes into the water and never taking a proper bath! Compare that to someone else who puts in his full effort. Who do you reckon is more likely to achieve results?

Which brings me to my second reason. If you believe in the law of attraction wholeheartedly, then there has to be emotion invested. A lot of people think about attracting what they want, but they never feel it. If there’s no real desire, how do you expect the universe to work for you? Repeating the thoughts in your head all day long is akin to playing a spoilt tape recorder; there is no true intention. Think about the last time you pursued a goal that really mattered to you. Were there emotions involved? Or was it just your head going “I want that goal, I want that goal, I want that goal”?

The last reason, as well as the most important reason, is you. You are the direct cause of why the law of attraction doesn’t work for you. Yup, you heard me right. But allow me to explain. I was working on attracting money for a very long time. But it just wouldn’t happen. Zilch. Nada. Then the answer struck me one day. I had issues with money that I hadn’t resolved. Apparently, I had a deep-seated belief that I didn’t deserve to have money. I probably spent the next one week dealing with this issue, and all of a sudden, I received a call from someone who wanted to buy a product I was selling on Ebay. And suddenly, I was a few hundred dollars richer. This didn’t happen once. I started to delve deeper into my subconscious, and looked for more negative issues I had surrounding money. For the next 3-4 times, whenever I removed a negative belief, someone would call me to either purchase something, or to return me some money from a debt long-forgotten.

So there, I hope that this article helped you in some way regarding the law of attraction. If you, Dear Reader, have any questions, do feel free to post a reply to this post, and we’ll talk more. In the meantime, have fun attracting what you want!

]]> self-sabotage, 02 Jan 2008 19:14:59 +0000Jiron I was 19, I got to know this girl from one of my classes. We didn’t talk much at first, but one day, we went for a group lunch, and our interaction went amazingly well. It was one of those rare moments when you just click with someone without knowing why. Soon, we were hanging out almost everyday. We couldn’t stop talking to each other; there was an endless run of topics. Over time, I developed feelings for her. But I asked myself why a great girl like her would have feelings for someone like me. I had no money, no looks, and was a boring and dull person. I began to avoid her.

I never stopped liking her though. After about half a year, I decided to talk to her again. We had an honest conversation, and I found out that she was attracted to me then. I tried to chase her back, but it was too late. She was already in a relationship.

Many of us self sabotage our lives. Sometimes it’s a conscious process. Often, we are not aware of what we are doing. On a deeper level, it is our self defence mechanism kicking in. Our bodies are trying to protect us by ensuring that we remain in a comfort zone; however, it becomes a paradox when it causes us to make the wrong decisions.

Think back on your past and recall a situation when you self sabotaged your own life. It can be a situation where you did not assert yourself, for fear of others disliking you. I used to think that girls would not like me for who I am, and yet, I was eager to find a girlfriend back then. Often, our self sabotages come from having limiting beliefs. I have a friend who believes that he will never find success in his life, simply because he was born poor, and has had a “shitty” life to date. It stops him from pushing himself to get what he wants, and when he failed numerously at trying to get the girls he liked, it reinforces in his mind that he’s a failure.

Being desperate for something to work out.

Fearing that others would dislike you.

So how do you overcome self sabotage? You need to be aware. You will have to get into your head, before you make some of the decisions in your life. The best way to know if you need to get into your head is by feeling. Is there some kind of pressure building up within you? What are you feeling at that very moment? What is the voice inside you saying? Then you have to ask yourself, “Why do I want to make such a decision? Is it really for my own good?”

Sometimes, the solution is not in asking yourself questions and making the right decisions, but in letting go of your own insecurities. One very good example is my story above. If I had just trusted that things would turn out right, I would have professed my feelings for her, and possibly gotten together, instead of losing contact and a friend as a result.

Ultimately though, it is important to recognise that self sabotaging is a symptom of a deeper issue. While fixing the symptom can help temporarily, the problem is still going to be there. In most cases, self sabotaging has to do with self esteem. I would recommend checking out Self Esteem by Matthew McKay and Patrick Fanning. I have used this book before, and it has helped me tremendously. I believe it will benefit anyone who’s looking to deal with their self esteem issues.